We all take on different individual roles in our family system
In our family of origin, we take on different roles in order to keep the psychological needs of the family system functioning. When we are kids, we unconsciously inhabit a particular role that suits our family members because we depend on them for our survival. Our parents often play roles that were passed down to them by their parents, and our grandparents also inherited roles. Some examples of individual roles are “the caretaker”, the “rebel”, and “the provider.”
Caretakers often mask their own emotional experience to care take the feelings of their loved ones
When I was growing up, my role was to caretake others’ feelings in my family unit. When I say “caretake” I mean that I masked my own emotional experience in order to take care of the other person’s feelings. My emotions often went on the back burner, and I attempted to present myself as “the little ray of sunshine” that I was nicknamed. I understood from an early age that I received the most validation and positive affirmation when I didn’t speak my true feelings. My family had enough problems, so I became silent and good and processed my negative emotions quietly and alone. I did everything I could to avoid making others feel uncomfortable. I learned to value others’ superficial happiness over my own voice and truth.
To this day my family members comment on how “strong” I am, how “resilient,” and how I “always land on my feet.” While I believe these things to be true about myself, I consider these descriptions as only part of my story. The vulnerable part of me that does feel very deeply and often longs to be messy and supported by those I love most can still feel unseen.
Our culture teaches victims that silence and repression of emotion hold the golden key to survival and success
Men, women, and non-binary folk can all be care-takers. I think the recent Me Too movement is an example of the ways that many have silenced their own voices in order to survive trauma and care take the larger family system: our culture. In order for our culture to function as it has for hundreds of years, the system teaches that silence and repression of emotion hold the golden key to survival and success. Speaking individual and collective truth are sure ways to be outcasted from the family unit.
Caretakers have many superpowers and strengths
Although caretakers often carry an unprocessed emotional burden, they have many superpowers and strengths. For example, as a therapist, I feel very grateful that I have a capacity to sit with others’ intense emotional experiences. I gain so much fulfillment from the heart felt connection and gentle listening to my clients’ stories. Also, caretakers often feel very deeply about the suffering that is presently happening in the world and fill roles in society in order to make positive and lasting change. However, they can suffer from burn out, chronic pain, and health issues if they do not learn how to take care of themselves effectively. It has taken emotional work and persistence to internalize that the tending of my own needs, feelings, and energy system is not selfish but necessary. In order for humans to survive our present ecological crisis and to evolve, we desperately need care-taking warriors to be healthy and energized emotional leaders and visionaries.
Learn how to embody compassion in a world that desperately needs your gifts, talents, and care-taking
Through facilitating groups for others to speak truth and also through teaching energy medicine tools, I support caretakers in learning how to take care of their own health while also being present to the huge task of caring so much. From personal experience, I know that caretakers do not have to isolate in order to refuel. Through learning how to speak my own messy truth, learning how to have energetic boundaries with others, and knowing how to refuel my own life-force energy no matter where I am or who I am with has allowed me to keep showing up and embodying compassion in a world that desperately needs my gifts, my talents, and my care-taking.
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