Subpersonality

Cultivating Self-Compassion and Mindfulness: Knowing Our Subpersonalities

You just aren’t good at relationships… it is probably better to just be alone for the rest of your life.

No one will listen to you, even if you speak up.

Do you resonate with any of these messages? Throughout the day, are you aware of the different parts of yourself?

When we are kids, we often learn very intelligent ways to protect ourselves when circumstances or people become overwhelming. To survive and feel accepted in our families and communities, we develop various parts of ourselves or subpersonalities that are self-protective.

Subpersonality is a concept developed by the Italian Psychiatrist Roberto Assagioli that defines our “inner” family members. Our various subpersonalities have different names and roles such as the “Victim,” the “Rebel,” or the “Critic.”

For example, when I began writing this, I had a subpersonality that began talking to me. I was sitting at my desk, stumbling with expressing thoughts on paper, and my inner “Escapist” said, “Caroline, what is the point of writing? No one will probably ever read what you are saying anyway.” I hesitated and then paused. Another part of me answered, “Hmmm. Should I quit and just go make a cup of tea?”

No matter how “healthy” or secure we are, we often react and make choices from the parts of ourselves that are wounded and fearful instead of from our mindful adult selves.

No matter if someone is from a loving and adoring family or if a person has had a much more challenging family environment, we all learn our own ways of coping with painful feelings and situations through developing our subpersonalities.

Although our subpersonalities are often annoying and aggravating, they often have protected us from feeling underlying fear, sadness, and anger that was perhaps too painful to feel as children. However, as adults we can learn how to mindfully engage with our subpersonalities to be in the driver’s seat of our own lives instead of the inner more fearful parts of ourselves controlling our decisions.

When we begin to learn and uncover all our subpersonalities, a natural reaction is to just get angry at a part and want it to go away.

Sometimes it can be helpful to have an internal boundary like a boundary you would have with another human being. However, in my own self-work and the work I do with clients, I have found that befriending our younger and protective parts can provide greater insight into what these personalities are trying to communicate or what they might need.

In the example of me writing this, instead of giving up on writing or telling my subpersonality to just shut up and leave me alone, I began to remember that as a kid I often needed extra encouragement to finish tasks.

As a little girl, I received a message from my community that girls weren’t as talented or as smart as the boys, so I could easily give up on a project and assume myself to not be capable.

So, sitting in front of the computer, I comforted my inner escapist. I said, “Caroline, I understand why you want to run away from this, but I think you’ve got this. All you must do is keep trying. I’ll also get you a cup of tea to drink while you write.”

It can feel very strange at first to start talking to subpersonalities, and this is where a therapist that you trust and feel safe with can walk beside you on the journey.